As fierce as you were

It’s 3:00 am and I cannot sleep again. The force that keeps me awake is just too much that I cannot bring myself to fight it: Fear.

I ask myself a dozen times a day, can I still do this? Can I still stand up? Can I still force my way back to earth when I feel that I lost my footing and I am floating into oblivion?

The past three weeks had been hard. No, hard is an understatement. It’s been the worst. Feeling tired, inadequate, and useless all at the same time. That no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you work for something, no matter how much effort you put into your actions, it is never enough. It will never be enough. That along those small things you’ve done good, there’s a whole lot of mountain of failures awaiting you.

People see you smiling despite all these. They see you laughing and joking around, and passing on tales and pieces of advice about never giving up. And yet, deep inside you know you are barely hanging by a thread. That at some point in your day, you’ve reached that moment when you can no longer go on. Because you can’t breathe. And no one can hear you shouting for help. Worse? Someone hears you, but they’re drowning too, just like you.

So it all boils down to you fending for your own. Despite the urge of wanting to open up to someone, or just talking to someone as a gasp of fresh air, you chose to wallow in you sadness and defeat all alone. Why? Because you fear that when you open up yourself, no one will dare go through and listen to your disorganized thoughts, seemingly empty ideas, and countless rants about the universe and how fucked up your life is. You fear that the response you want to receive will not be the same and that you will just be more disappointed and sad than before. You fear that to someone so dear to you, you are a nuisance, a waste of time, and someone unworthy of attention. You fear to find out that at the end of the day, you are more alone in this fight than you thought you were.

You ask God, why? You ask Him, when will all these end? You ask God, how did you ever come to this? You ask Him, who will you run to? You ask God, where do you go from here? You ask Him, what did you ever do to deserve this? And believe me, He will not answer. Not because He doesn’t care for you, but because only He knows His plans for you. And you have to trust that. Trust it blindly, trust it faithfully.

So tonight, I decided to calm my heart. Despite all my fears, my anxieties. I cannot say I have rested because I know I’m at the point in my life where I feel so tired I can no longer recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I despise the person I become whenever I get mad, inconsiderate or plain evil because I no longer have the will to be a better human being. I hate when I allow myself to be hurt by people whom I loved and respected fiercely but in the end betrayed the love I gave them, as they accused of things I never intended and never have done, at least that’s what I see. I hate that despite all the pain, hurt, wounds, and undeserved anger I have received, I still long to win their favor, their affection, their approval. I hate that no matter how hard I try to walk away, I still go back to the things that hurt and make me miserable. All these, for love. Love of friends, of the job I chose, of the profession God gave me, of the beliefs I uphold, of the person I became, of battles I chose to fight, of people I chose to be in my life, of circumstances I decided to bear. I still stay, still go back.

My heart will never be the heart it was before. Never whole and untouched once again. It’s scarred, broken, wounded still, and currently finding the right pieces to make it work better. My mind is on the brink of losing the last strand of sanity it has and it’s hard to keep it all in place. And yet, when you see me on the outside, I will be smiling, laughing, joking, and loving. Just know that when I do that, I give you a tiny piece of me. That when I try to be normal on the outside, I am like a candle, being drained on the inside. Please forgive me if I want to talk to you and bother you. It means I trust you. But should you be unavailable, I will just be here waiting.. for you and your precious time. After all, all I can offer is my heart and sentiments. All I can offer is me at the rawest and truest form. Just hug me fiercely, let me cry on your chest, on your shoulder, and tell me “Everything will be okay”, and I know I will believe. My heart will believe it.

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About the Author

Jazmine Charlene Yabut
Jazmine Charlene Yabut
An artsy fartsy CPA. Cha loves all forms of art and music. Currently working as an external auditor, she also dreams of fulfilling her dream of being a missionary for God's words.