I’m a failure.
Yes, this was how I describe myself, 7 years ago. I was so very happy being an accountancy student way back school years 2009-2011 but I was not that lucky to continue my course throughout my college life. It’s like I have ended my dreams on the second semester of my 2nd year in college, year 2010. I felt so devastated and humiliated. Hiyang-hiya ako sa mga magulang ko kasi ang alam nila, makakaya ko, dahil nakikita naman nila akong nag-aaral, school-bahay, bahay-school lang. I really don’t know kung bakit. My grades were good, lumalaban pa nga ako sa pagiging scholar. But, noong dumating ang Financial Accounting, hirap na hirap na ako.
I was very jealous of my classmates’ ability, na kahit anong paghihirap ang gawin ko para maintindihan ‘yong lesson, sila parang wala lang. Sumasama pa nga ako sa group studies before, pero hindi ko rin na-sustain. Pakiramdam ko, I was not on the right track, kaya siguro ‘yong grade ko sa accounting, hindi umabot sa cut-off. That’s why naging BSAt student ako, Accounting Technology. At first, hindi ko alam kung itutuloy ko pa ba, pero nabuhayan ako ng loob dahil sabi nila, pwede pa ring makabalik sa BSA, basta mataas ang grades. Ngunit bigo pa rin ako. I have no failing grades, pero hindi ko talaga nakayang bumalik pa sa BSA program. Until our graduation comes, March 2013. Umiyak ako bago pumunta sa venue, dahil nakakaramdam ako ng pain, ng lungkot, ng inggit. Kasi hindi ko nagawang magtapos sa kursong sinimulan ko. Nahihiya ako sa parents ko, sa family ko. But they never made me feel na mahina ako. Instead, they made me feel na ang galing-galing ko dahil finally, makaka-graduate na ako. Dahil ang golden lesson ng parents ko for us, ay edukasyon lang ang maipapamama nila dahil wala naman kaming yaman. I saw them crying during our graduation lalo na noong may part na tribute to parents. I hugged them so tight, nagpasalamat at sinabing mahal na mahal ko sila. Kaya siguro, ‘yon ang naging motivation ko pa para ipagpatuloy pa ang laban.
May 2013, busy akong kulitin ang mga ka-BSAt ko na ituloy namin ang BSA program, pero siyempre kahit gusto nila, marami ng factors para mas unahin ang career nila, 13 lang kaming nagtuloy, in short. Hanggang review proper na for the October 2014 CPA Boards. Happy naman, excited and hype na hype. It went well, but I know deep inside of me, that I was not that ready, I was not 100% prepared, but still, I took the boards. Nag-Visita Iglesia pa ako, to thank Him for all the blessings and lessons. Hanggang sa lumabas ang result, grabe ang kaba ko, umaasa ako in God’s mercy. Pero, my name is not on the list. Pakiramdam ko, wala akong alam sa mundo ng accounting – na pinipilit ko lang ang sarili ko sa profession na gusto ko. Hiyang-hiya na naman ako, halos di ako nagparamdam ng ilang araw dahil nasaktan ko ang mga taong umasang papasa ako. Pero nandiyan ang parents ko, pinalakas ang loob ko na mag-take ulit ako, kaya sinubukan ko for May 2015 boards. Pero hindi na naman ako pinalad. My name is not on the list, for the second time. While my friends’ Facebook walls are full of congratulatory messages, mine is as empty as my hope. ‘Yong ibang nasa Manila naman, alam na nila agad kung condi sila or failed. Then, I saw my sister and my mom, crying in front of me, tapos si daddy, sinasabihan ako na okay lang at proud pa rin sila sa akin. Sobrang lungkot nila dahil hindi ako nakapasa. Pinigilan ko lang sarili ko na umiyak kahit masakit. But, they still encouraged me, telling me that God is good. Pero ako, I asked God, why? Bakit kailangang maranasan ko ang mga bagay na ‘yon? Then I prayed while crying, hanggang sa nakatulog na lang ako.
Monday noon, my college instructor called me na i-check ko raw sa PRC website kung condi ako, kasi may condi sa school namin. And ang saya ko noong nalaman ko ‘yon, kasi naniniwala pa rin sila na baka ako ‘yon. Hanggang sa pagkakita ko, na I got a “conditional” remark. Nabuhayan ako ng loob. Nag-pray ako and nag-decide na ituloy for the last time. And my parents/family are there to support me, all the way. I enrolled in CPAR again, for the third time. Sineryoso ko na nang sobra. Sabi ko, this time, I won’t fail. I’ll make you all proud. Until October 2015 results have been finally released between 1-2 am. Hindi ko na naman nakita ang name ko, sobrang iyak ko na naman. Nagpahinga ako for like 10 minutes kasi baka hindi pa uploaded lahat, sabi ko. Kaya tiningnan ko ulit ang list. And at last, I saw my name on the list. I’ve checked every letter, and it’s me. It’s my name on the list. My parents, sister, cousins, titos and titas, my two lolas were all waiting for that. Tinext ko sila, telling na CPA na ako. That was one of the happiest moments ng buhay ko.
All I thought, God is testing me the whole time. I’ve always doing the bargaining time with Him sa mga bagay na gusto ko kapag nagsisimba ako. That I never thought of His plans for me. Hanggang Siya na mismo ang bumulong sa akin na magtiwala lang ako, at kumapit sa Kaniya. I opened myself to Him kaya siguro nakita ko ang magandang gusto niya sa buhay ko. And bilang anak ng Panginoon, sumunod ako. I made myself busy trusting His best plans for me. It’s like, if you commit your works to His name, all will go well. Everything will fall into His mighty hands. That’s why, naging CPA siguro ako dahil pinili kong maniwala sa Kaniya. Above all, ang Diyos naman talaga ang dahilan kung bakit CPA ako. All glory are on His name, forever.
Pinanghawakan ko ang review verse ko, mula noon hanggang ngayon:
“But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.” – 2 Chronicles 15:7, NIV
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About the Author
- Kulin launched her career as a Certified Public Accountant at OO & Associates. Now, she is an external auditor at KPMG in the Philippines.
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